I used to always look forward to doing small things with you; for some reason, I really enjoyed doing chores with you. I remember sitting down in the laundry room on freezing nights with a blanket and just staying there until the clothes had finished washing and drying. Do you remember that? We used to stay up until 3:49 am just talking about everything; from our future together, to would you rather questions to the existence of planets out of our solar system. The sound of clothes swirling inside the machine, the fresh smell of the Persil washing liquid, I remembered everything. You used to carry me to sit on top of the machine and we used to laugh at how the little fat on my arms would jiggle with every vibration. You used to sit down opposite me with your legs crossed on the cold floor, but you didn’t even care as long as it meant you got to look at me. It didn’t matter what we spoke about as long as I was with you. I remember the way you used to look at me, like the spark would never leave, like it was just me and you against the world. You made me feel the one thing I needed in this life, which was not be seen, but to be experienced.
Four years later, I do the chores on my own. I hear the faint beep at 1:36 am, go to the laundry room, change the wash myself and then go back to sleep. I miss those times we had. Sometimes I just sit on the washing machine and feel the vibrations because they make me reminisce about the times we spent together that just feel like bliss now. We live together but you’re not there anymore.
A few days ago, you came into the laundry room while I was there, all you did was pick up a shirt It seems like nothing, but you didn’t even see me, acknowledge me, it’s been this way for years. That’s how I knew you finally fell out of love with me, you finally got tired of me, the spark that once
excited you and made me special had been burned out.
We used to go everywhere together. I was an introvert and I despised leaving my comfort zone, which was weird for a guy, but you never judged me, you only pushed me to face my fears. You always drove us there and I would drive back. I had a longing for your love while simultaneously longing for solitude, but somehow you always won. I don’t think anyone understood me the way you did. One night in particular I remember, it was your colleague’s birthday; I remember was a cool breeze down my neck, the smell of fresh lemon juice, it was just us on the patio, I could see the bright red lights through a crack in the sliding doors. I brushed the hair from your neck and I remember you saying; “there’s no place I’d rather be, than right here with you. A torrential downpour of rain, the smell of fresh hibiscuses, I remember everything, I soaked up the moment, I cherished it. I thought this was forever.
Three months later, we don’t even leave together anymore. You leave through the backdoor with friends I never met. I remember driving back home after your sister’s birthday, you sat at the back, I constantly glanced at you through the mirror, you didn’t lift your head up once, you don’t even shoot me the tiniest glance. I tried speaking to you, I didn’t get a reply. I experienced instances of clarity, during my isolation from you; everything became clear. Maybe the most important lesson I learned was that the most important lessons of love spur from the hope that it will last forever.
That’s how I knew you finally fell out of love with me, you finally got tired of me, the spark that once excited you and made me special had been burned out.
He smelled like Chardonnay, Bleu de Chanel, and dependability. We spent a lot of time together that summer. Walking around beaches at 4 am, our clothes soaked by the waves gradually washing up against the shorelines, your jeans rolled until your knees, my wedges in my right hand while I held yours with the other. I wouldn’t say I miss you, all I will say is that if you listened closely to my heart, you could hear faint sounds from rooms. If you used a glass cup and slowly pressed your ear on room 3’s wooden door, they would hear us giggling, as you walked me back to my safe space; home.
On our last encounter, you told me four special words that resonated with me forever; “take care of yourself”.
Now I associate this season with you, the bliss of our love and how easy it was for you to let go, some days are harder than others, waves come and go, just like people. Nevertheless, all I have to do is shut my eyelids and there comes a place where we can finally be together. I have blanks in my memory as if I knew your love changed me, but I couldn’t remember how. I tried to be strong and find love within myself, tried to keep myself busy to forget you, but everything reminds me of you, it hurts thinking of you every day knowing I would never cross your mind. After the great times, we spent together, we never spoke again. That’s how I knew you finally fell out of love with me, you finally got tired of me, the spark that once excited you and made me special had been burned out.
You were too good to be true. The girl of my dreams, but sadly after a while, my dreams were the only place we could be together. You seemed like a wonderful person, I couldn’t get enough of you.
In hindsight, I realize Stendhal’s crystallization was real. I overlooked every single bad thing about you, in my mind, all your flaws and deceitfulness were translated so beauty and mystery. I didn’t see you for what you were, I molded you into a person who suited me, a reflection of myself. I wish I had taken note of all the times you bailed on me, all the times you weren’t there for me. We spent hours together from dusk till dawn on this porch, quality time, we didn’t even need to speak, all we needed was the reassurance that we were both there, not going anywhere.
Now I smoke alone. I go to the porch and look into the woods in the hopes that one day you’ll sit on the rocking chair right next to me. As a smoker, I knew a relit cigarette never retains the same taste, that’s all I have learnt about rekindling old flames. I waited hours, until dawn, you never came back, I waited to hear the crunch of your footsteps on the dead leaves that had fallen. Missing someone is such an unproductive feeling, all I ever wanted to be was enough, but you made it clear I was looking for love in all the wrong places. That’s how I knew you finally fell out of love with me, you finally got tired of me, the spark that once excited you and made me special had been burned out