It took me a lot of time and a of research to be able to accurately translate a new concept into words. I want you the reader, to read this with an open mind, I want you to come into this willing to empathize. My job isn’t to take sides, my job is to broaden your perspective by showing you things in a different light.
Often after a break-up, we harbour a lot of feelings inside of us, things happen so quickly and with such intensity that we barely have time to process what is happening, I would even go as far as saying that sometimes we go through a rush of adrenaline and it hinders our capability to decipher a feeling of freedom from denial. Many things can happen to those feelings, they could either be repressed; which would lead to a self-detrimental expression later on because instead of dealing with them you are basically distracting yourself, the feelings could be healed; by talking about them, therapy, focusing your love on other things, or finally, those feelings could be projected onto another person.
I think after a breakup, most people project anger onto others, because of the society in which we were brought up, it is inherently difficult to speak about breakups and to show weakness, it’s always a competition of who moved on quickest and who is happiest. In the process of trying to win this imaginary competition, you don’t give yourself time to grieve or you go through an incomplete grieving process; this is where anger comes into place. This is when people become resentful and bitter due to what they went through and begin to lash out on others, isolate themselves and reject any form of help. This is the case for most people who haven’t yet learnt how to heal.
However, not everyone expresses their feelings through anger, some do quite the opposite; express it with love. We often hear that we should take a space between relationships, for a long time I used to think people simply said that out of spite or because they wanted to see you being single and miserable, but in all honesty, if you jump from one person to another, you’re not creating space for you to grow feelings for that new person, you’re using unhealed feelings from the past to love them. It’s so important to heal before moving onto a new person because you don’t know if you are simply projecting the old feelings for your partner onto them. After a break-up, or when you love someone who is unattainable at the moment, I think it’s important to pour all the love you had for them into worthwhile things and people. The love you once lost always comes back to you in different forms.
Don’t use this as an opportunity to latch onto someone new, just because you are projecting love and not hate onto them, doesn’t mean you’re using healthy coping mechanisms, you’re simply using them to hurt yourself.
This might all seem hypocritical. One thing I will say is by recycling feelings instead of growing new ones, you are not only hurting yourself, but you’re also hurting the new person in your life. Nobody deserves to be treated like a rebound, they don’t deserve to be led on by someone who can’t even decipher who they have feelings for. Heal, take space, don’t rush into anything without being 100% sure about it. The second you question the authenticity of your feelings for your new partner is when you need to leave because you are looking for love in all the wrong places. Learn the difference between taking a leap of faith with someone new and acting on your emotions before reason.