I couldn’t really decipher missing a person from missing their presence, oh yes there is a clear difference between both. In the latter case, you miss their aura and how they make you feel, whilst in the first case, it was much more selfish, as if I wanted you all to myself and nothing less. What I did know, was that if you listened closely to my heart, you could hear faint sounds from rooms. If you used a glass cup and slowly pressed your ear on room 3, you could hear him giggling and me going on and on about my dreams and aspirations, it was 4 am on a cold night. All you could hear was pure happiness from that day, the day before we parted ways, this is why it was so difficult for me to remember if I missed you or simply what you made me feel that day; seen.
I still remember all the feelings, all the sensations. Being in the car, hearing Drake’s Chicago Freestyle playing from the house party, the street lights blinding and the smell of the lavender air freshener lingering. My phone ringer was loud, people were calling to ask me where I was. You were right next to me yet you felt so far away, I knew what was coming, I knew it was temporary, I knew, it doesn’t mean it hurt any less. What was the beginning of something new had become an ‘almost’. I didn’t want to waste my time telling you how I
felt a second time, you heard me the first. It was a difficult feeling to explain.
I remember leaving and wondering if you’d love me in December the same way you did this June, but like the colours of the leaves in autumn, our love faded. Everything is a blur now, days started feeling like weeks, weeks like months, it was the same thing over and over again. I still feel pain after the season passes because it always reminds me of you. I became such a bitter person, angry at the world. But now I look back with love rather than resentment and I forgive the world because it has you in it. I could feel you falling out of love and there was nothing more painful because I couldn’t do anything to stop you. It was as if I was still trying to enjoy the last moments because I knew they would fade into memories soon enough. But that’s the thing about “almost”, you never think your last time is your last, you always hope there will be more, but most times that hope is an illusion that is rapidly shattered.
Life without you was hard at first, I saw the world in black and white after you left. Constantly replaying our last conversation, obsessing over whether we really did make the right choice, calculating the series of possibilities and outcomes. I was never good with consistency, I was never sure about anything, but I was so sure about you. I had made up so many scenarios in my mind that I didn’t know what was real anymore. I couldn’t decipher my thoughts from reality. I literally over-exaggerated my place in your life for so long based on the memories we had made, based on the times spent together. There was a possibility that
all of this barely meant a thing to you. I was simply a bliss memory you kept at the back of your head, I was simply the “sometimes” you only thought of when it was convenient for you. I needed to know the truth and the only person who could provide me with that; was ironically you. My voice cracked when I asked you if you still loved me, there was so much power in the silence, I found my answer; peace of mind.
You almost loved me, even if it was an almost, I am so grateful for the days we had together, I feel warm when I think about them. I am practicing non-attachment now, if something is meant for me it will happen, maybe it wasn’t the wrong timing, maybe I wasn’t the right person for you. I have a lot of comfort knowing that love isn’t supposed to have an ending, or a time limit, anything that does simply isn’t love. We could have almost worked out. I was so grateful for the days we got to spend together. I’m leaving now, someplace further away, darling, you can never find me where you left me because I am in a better place now, I finally found the strength to break the patterns that were hurting me, even if I still wish you could feel me when I think of you. Maybe one day I’ll see you again, maybe one day we can be more than an almost but if you ever come here, please come find me…