I was staring at the gold chain on his neck, moving up and down with every speed bump. The car ride to my house felt like eternity. You caressed my thigh with your right thumb, while the other hand was on the steering wheel. It was cold inside the car; the windows had a sort of mist on them. I felt uneasy, I was constantly moving around unable to stop jittering in my seat. There was something eerie about him, I believe the fact he craved a form of closeness I could never offer him. I will really miss the feeling of these late nights, all the things done after midnight… I wish I had known it was going to be our last time, you never know it’s your last time, you always think there will be more, but then it ends so abruptly.
Evidently, my actions didn’t match my genuine thoughts; that’s the thing about thoughts, you can’t fake them, they linger, they possess you and take control of your every move; however, I could fake actions; I mean who hasn’t faked love before? We pulled up in the driveway and he asked me “why don’t you ever speak about your feelings?”. I was disgusted at the thought of any form of intimacy, I knew this relationship would be a waste of time, I was bored. We had a palmy a few weeks, but now I feel stifled like I am drowning underwater. I am indecisive, I can’t belong to one person for too long, what did he expect,
I’m a Scorpio… I can’t pretend to love him anymore. It’s not that I am not ready for a relationship with him, I am not ready for a relationship at all. I think it’s time we end this.
I waited in the hallway. I was glancing at my phone, pretending I was reading messages to avoid looking you in the eyes because you were so intimidating. A truck drove by and I felt the vibrations on the ground. I remember every small detail about that day because I knew it would be the last. Standing here, I could hear the speakers blaring, playing Poison from another room, you were always into 90s music. I guess that’s one of the reasons I fell for you. I see a stranger staring at me sitting on a bench across the road. People never stared at you, or me, but they stared at us when we were together. Was I safe? Did this person know what I was about to do? Before I finish my afterthought, you open the door, look at me from head to toe with a grin on your face. You wrap your arms around me, pick me up, and twirl me around because you’re excited to see me. I act normal as if nothing happened. As if nothing was about to happen. You ushered me towards the door; I entered very timidly, hoping you wouldn’t notice, hoping you wouldn’t be able to read my mind. For a split second, I ask myself if I really want to end things, if I’m ready to let go of you. I rehearsed the lines in my head for weeks, but being in your presence felt like that was a waste of time. I didn’t know what to say to you. All I know is that I stayed as long as I could. But I think it’s time we end this.
I picked up a piece of the smoked salmon with my fork then put it in my mouth, it was so soft, the butter on it nearly melted on my tongue. I chewed it for a good 3 minutes because I was trying to stall this conversation. He signaled the waiter to bring us some water in a jug. When the waiter came, he made a joke and everyone around us began to laugh, he started making small talk with the table next to ours. They could sense his avoidance as if he didn’t want to be where he currently was. He was so charismatic, every time he entered a room everyone just wanted to be around him, his aura was so attractive. It just started to feel as if he shared this charm with everyone, with the exception of me of course. I couldn’t help but ask; “Why are you still with me if you know this isn’t going to flourish? Were you always faking, or have you just started feeling this way?”. He stayed silent, continued to slurp his tagliatelle pasta, I took his silence for acquiescence. There were so many things that hurt me; the lies, the deceit, the lack of effort, the fact he never understood me. I looked over to the bar and saw my uncle with another older fellow, we locked eyes and I felt safe because he gave me a nod of approval. Did he know what I was about to do? Was he in full support of my decision? Oddly enough, the nod gave me the reassurance I needed, almost as if it was an omen. I have to let him go to show myself what I can do. I am better than this. I think it’s time we end this.
My eyes were swollen, as well as my lips, my head was banging, all I could think about was the enormous breakdown I had yesterday, thinking about us. It feels like a lifetime ago you loved me, then one day you just stopped. I was grateful I met someone new; leaving you for him would have meant taking a leap of faith into the abyss. I was so afraid of the debilitating pain which came with being single, which is why I had been avoiding this, but if a conversation is difficult it is probably one worth having. Being alone felt like I was coming back home to avoid that was shaped like you, only every time I tried to hold it, it would slip right through my fingers like wet sand on a beach. You barely noticed me anymore, the days spent together felt like centuries, lack of attention only made me lose interest in you…While you were asleep, I traced my fingers along your face one more time, trying to memorize every detail, your thick eyebrows, your fox eyes, your flushed cheeks…everything. Never in my life had I seen someone which such perfect facial features, all the proportions were perfect. I tried to remember all your mannerisms, all the while you were asleep. You woke up, gave me a smug look then closed your eyes as if you wanted to go back to sleep. I knew you were awake. It took all the strength in the world for me to utter these few words… I think it’s time we end this.